The last time I said anything to you I told you to stay away from me. Let's be honest those weren't even my words, someone told me I needed to tell you that. I was told you needed the confidence to come back into my life, and I have other people telling me that you will come back. But they just want me to "spit in your face" and tell you to go away again when/if you do. I don't want you to go away, I want you right here, I love you with everything I have inside of my body. Which is the interesting part. Because today August 7, 2013 at 9:51pm, I hate you. I hate you for everything you've done to me when I did nothing to you. I want you to know that I will never in my life forgive you and that everything you've done will live on for the rest of our natural lives. Until you live in a state of anger, bitterness, lack of worth, and depression for 3 years we will never be even. You have not lived through the revenge or pain I have, there is nothing you can tell me that will equate to what I've felt everyday for three years. There were times I thought about crashing my car because then I would have real physical pain that was traceable to deal with.
Do you know I cried at both of my own graduations because you weren't there? My victories were not my own. You are the only person I have let past any guards and walls, for what to have everything set on fire and be left in a pile of ashes.
I HATE YOU FOR THE FACT I'M A PAYING FOR HER FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU ARE LYING TO HER. YOU LIE EVERYDAY ABOUT OUR TRUTH.
I don't owe that bitch anything. Much less payment for shit with my own life any part of it. I don't care what you think of her, or how you want to defend her because you have never defended me. And by defense I mean doing right by me. So she is and forever will be a useless, classless, stupid, horrid bitch in my eyes.
The only thing stopping me from trying to completely destroy your life so you can feel anything like how I feel is the fact that I am deeply in love with you. Right now I hate myself for that even being true. I hate that after all this time you are who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I thought writing this letter would make me feel better. But instead I'm just angry now. I don't wish you happiness or health. I wish those things for me because I don't have them. I hate that you do, or at least I hate that it appears that you do. I hate that you walk into and out of my life with no intentions of staying. You don't even do anything fully for me because you want to. But you do everything another person wants. My opinions have never mattered to you.
Normally writing what I think or feel to you makes me feel better, but now I feel worse. I hate you for specific reasons, but I still am in love with you for none.
I hate that your trying to be happy when I've given up.
I've given up on everything but I can't stop breathing.