Wednesday, August 7, 2013

And Open Letter to Jonathan

I guess I should be changing people's real names and what not, but whatever I really don't care.

Dear Jonathan,

The last time I said anything to you I told you to stay away from me. Let's be honest those weren't even my words, someone told me I needed to tell you that. I was told you needed the confidence to come back into my life, and I have other people telling me that you will come back. But they just want me to "spit in your face" and tell you to go away again when/if you do. I don't want you to go away, I want you right here, I love you with everything I have inside of my body. Which is the interesting part. Because today August 7, 2013 at 9:51pm, I hate you. I hate you for everything you've done to me when I did nothing to you. I want you to know that I will never in my life forgive you and that everything you've done will live on for the rest of our natural lives. Until you live in a state of anger, bitterness, lack of worth, and depression for 3 years we will never be even. You have not lived through the revenge or pain I have, there is nothing you can tell me that will equate to what I've felt everyday for three years. There were times I thought about crashing my car because then I would have real physical pain that was traceable to deal with.

Do you know I cried at both of my own graduations because you weren't there? My victories were not my own. You are the only person I have let past any guards and walls, for what to have everything set on fire and be left in a pile of ashes.


I don't owe that bitch anything. Much less payment for shit with my own life any part of it. I don't care what you think of her, or how you want to defend her because you have never defended me. And by defense I mean doing right by me. So she is and forever will be a useless, classless, stupid, horrid bitch in my eyes.

The only thing stopping me from trying to completely destroy your life so you can feel anything like how I feel is the fact that I am deeply in love with you. Right now I hate myself for that even being true. I hate that after all this time you are who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I thought writing this letter would make me feel better. But instead I'm just angry now. I don't wish you happiness or health. I wish those things for me because I don't have them. I hate that you do, or at least I hate that it appears that you do. I hate that you walk into and out of my life with no intentions of staying. You don't even do anything fully for me because you want to. But you do everything another person wants. My opinions have never mattered to you.

Normally writing what I think or feel to you makes me feel better, but now I feel worse. I hate you for specific reasons, but I still am in love with you for none.

I hate that your trying to be happy when I've given up.

I've given up on everything but I can't stop breathing.

The Last thing I want to talk about....

The last thing I've ever wanted to do with my blog was write about how shitty I feel most of the time.

Actually I just wanted to never speak of it at all. But at this point there are a few things:

1. I am full and consumed with bitterness and hatred;
2. I have no way of forgiving anyone this is involves;
3. At 24 (3 years ago) I pretty much have accepted I may never get married or have children;
4. I am consumed with rage and hatred;
5. I stopped praying about the above because it's not getting better;

I really don't know how to get over the bitterness. Maybe I should write an open letter to that person. I'm pretty quiet and it's extremely hard for me to ever say what I feel and why I feel that way. Which makes it worse that the only person I HAVE EVER done that with and been able to do it with pretty much destroyed my life (in an emotional attachment sense).

I don't think this is the life I should live at 27. The job, the degree, the CPA candidate. Fine. This is not okay. The worst part is that I really feel like until he lives what I've had to live, and feels it, I mean really feels death and despair choking him alive, we will never be even.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Where to start...what to do...why is anyone even asking me?

This blog was born over dinner at Joe's Crab shack (I'm so classy) after my graduation with my best friend, all because I was complaining about the woman who did my nails the Saturday before.

Meka listened to me complain, as everyone listens to me complain, and didn't even respond to my complaints. She told me I should start a blog. Meka said I'd be good at it. I'm not even really sure if that's true. So I guess this will be like my little journal and if your interested follow along.

I do know, I have no idea what I'm doing. In life with that.

Now that I graduated college I think I'm supposed to figure it out now. Especially when EVERY COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER TOLD US THAT.

This blows. I just wanted the paycheck that came with graduating, not the responsibility.